Decisions...Decisions

Today was one of the hardest days I have experienced so far in my life so far. I had to make a decision for Kelly to either try and get her up to her chemo appointment or to let her rest in peace at home and to start the ball rolling in asking for help and the services of Hospice.

A little background as to how this came about. Last Friday, we went to our normal brain chemo appointment. Kelly’s mom and I both noticed how difficult it was becoming to transport Kelly to and from San Jose for her appointments. The anxiety, pain & suffering it was causing Kelly was hard to watch. When we sat down with the Dr that day, we had a conversation about continuing treatment. I made it a point to ask Kelly in front of the Dr If she really wanted to continue with this plan and that we were all ok with her decision either way. She expressed that she still wanted to continue the plan of receiving chemo for at least one more full treatment. This put me at ease knowing that even though it was so hard to get her to the appointments that she still wanted to try and fight. As a husband, this is the kind of spirit that always made me feel so good.

Unfortunately, over the weekend things started to change. Kelly started to become less mobile with her upper body and her strength started to decrease. She had become more and more displaced and very confused at times. She started to be in more and more pain and was very repetitive in the things she would say and ask for. By Sunday it became hard to get her out of the bed and when I did get her up, the pain was so severe she asked demanded to go back right away. This made me sad, depressed anxious, you name it. To see her get worse right before my very eyes was so treacherous. She did not want to eat or drink much either. That takes us to today. I got her up with every intention of taking her to her chemo today, or at least give it a try. Because she was so weak it just made it impossible. She was also running a fever of 100.4 which meant they probably would not give her chemo anyway. I asked Kelly what she wanted to do. In a soft whisper voice she said she still wanted to go. I expressed to her that it was ok to take a break from the chemo and that her body was so wore out I did not think it was such a good idea. She then agreed and said that I was right and she really did not want to go. Although I wanted to whisk her up there I knew that this was the best decision for Kelly. She has been through so much and her body is just starting to say “Time Out”!

After a while I called the Dr and had a conversation about the situation. The Doctor agreed that if Kelly’s symptoms of confusion, lack of mobility, loss of coordination, extreme headache and body pain, fever were all increasing, Chemo Therapy would not be the best solution at this time. She also felt that these are all signs that the cancer is just progressing and not the medications causing the problems. I also asked the Doctor some questions that they always avoid and I pretty much got the answers I was looking for. She agreed that Kelly’s long term prognosis was not very good based on how fast and aggressive this cancer is spreading. The next thing I did was get in touch with Heartland Hospice on the phone because the Doctor felt they would be our best resource at this time. After talking with Hospice on the phone I felt better knowing that by them coming out to help, it does not mean the end and that hope is gone. They are just here to help Kelly be more comfortable and to help us manage her pain more effectively. They also let me know that if Kelly does start to get better she could always cancel the Hospice service and go back to treatment options.

It was a long rough day but it feels good to write to everyone. Kelly is very scared right now and is having thoughts that because Hospice is going to help us that her life is nearing an end. I keep telling her that that is not the case and we just want her to be in some comfort and the pain she is experiencing is not ok. I believe she is starting to accept that things are not going the way we would like but that it’s not over till it’s over. I feel the same way. The best way to put it is, you prepare for the worst, you hope for the best. More importantly we are cherishing every second that we have with Kelly. Living in the moment is really the only way to get everything that life has to offer. I know we all have our problems and issues but if we just take a step back and realize what’s truly, truly important in life, it’s amazing how you can be changed. I know that this experience has changed my perspective in so many ways, and I take nothing for granted. So please for me, after you are done reading this blog, go out hug your wife or your husband or your significant other, your children and tell them how much you love them and how important they are in your life. Our lives can change so quickly, life is so fragile, your heart can be ripped from your chest and your world could be turned upside down in a blink of an eye, so again take nothing for granted. That’s enough preaching for now; I know you are all not reading this for advice on how to live your life, just sharing from my point of view.

Please continue to pray for Kelly and for god to give her strength and to find peace in whatever comes next in her life. God bless everyone and thank you for continuing to read share our story, I pray that Kelly’s life will have touched so many people and changed everyone for the better, I know she has done that for me. Thank you to all the DBOM ladies for the wonderful surprise from the Omaha Foods. That brought a big smile to Kellys face when she saw those boxes on our door. God bless you all!