Trying to find peace

We sit at home in a quiet home, our home has been a bustling grand central station since yesterday. I have just gone from Minor League to Major League, I have to be that much stronger work that much harder to get through this.

From the begining:
My first Doxil I went through with flying colors, felt so fine that I had house guests and a BBQ with the family in my house. the only thing I did notice was a bit of back/spine pain. nothing too major.
My second Doxil was April 7th was feeling very tired by thursday and a complete wreck on Friday the 9th at first I chalked it to chemo side effects. Until they got so back we had to call the on call Doctor on Saturday evening, Manny even almost took me to the ER. I had every sypmtom in the book. By Monday spoke on the phone with my doctor phoned in some prescriptions then had another appt on Wed. They started to think I had spinal meninghitis which could be deadly. Tested my blood and the bacterial version was ruled out. But even still this wed I still had symptoms. So they were leaning to viral meninghitis. So they sent me to the ER for a spinal tap(lumbard puncture) but wanted me to have an MRI to brain to rule out possible brain tumors. Which I secretly felt could be an option, how could I be as sick as I was/am and Manny not get a single thing. So off we went to the ER at 1pm yesterday, they did what they do as I laid in a private room obviously meant for kids. Finally rolled me to the MRI department for a brain scan and by 6pm found out I had brain lesions (2) so no need for a spinal tap the tumor was causing most everything. Neck/Back pain,headaches, high fevers, vomitting/nausea, dizziness, loss of appetite, constant anxiousness, to name a few. Great! Checked out by 7pm home by 8 or so.

This morning I received a follow up call from my oncologists office to give me more details like my meningi's are also swollen, the lining of the brain is also part of the situation. I need full brain radiation ASAP(lined up today start tomorrow) Stopping chemo and with the little success I have had and the fact that it's in my brain (and quote) I have "a few months" WTF... that's the scary part how do deal with that. Part of me wants to say screw the dr's the hospitals and fly somewhere anywhere and love my hubby. Of course the other part of me wants to fight for my husband, he doesn't deserve this, with our 1 year anniversary just around the corner. Neither does my family, I need to do this for them. Yes I want to survive, ofcourse I want to grow old with my husband watch my nephews and neice grow. At this point I wont even be selfish about having babies for us. I just want to live mostly for them but for me too, I am not sure I am strong enough to realize "a few months" Who can? How do you really weigh it?
Well part of me fighting is because if I didn't I would be dealing with a lot more painful symptoms. Not sure I can handle much more pain, to my body and my soul. I know I need to be strong but for the first time ever it's not coming naturally...Fear has really been my main feeling, even I don't know what to say. Most the people who I talk to feel that way, don't worry I do to.

As of right now I am feeling like it's not real and have a ray of hope in radiation.

Thank you for all your prayers, thoughts, hugs, kisses, smiles, tears I feel so special to be as cared for/loved/or liked enough to have so many people on my side.

SMILE!
Kelly Freitas