Thursday, April 22, 2010

Trying to find peace

We sit at home in a quiet home, our home has been a bustling grand central station since yesterday. I have just gone from Minor League to Major League, I have to be that much stronger work that much harder to get through this.

From the begining:
My first Doxil I went through with flying colors, felt so fine that I had house guests and a BBQ with the family in my house. the only thing I did notice was a bit of back/spine pain. nothing too major.
My second Doxil was April 7th was feeling very tired by thursday and a complete wreck on Friday the 9th at first I chalked it to chemo side effects. Until they got so back we had to call the on call Doctor on Saturday evening, Manny even almost took me to the ER. I had every sypmtom in the book. By Monday spoke on the phone with my doctor phoned in some prescriptions then had another appt on Wed. They started to think I had spinal meninghitis which could be deadly. Tested my blood and the bacterial version was ruled out. But even still this wed I still had symptoms. So they were leaning to viral meninghitis. So they sent me to the ER for a spinal tap(lumbard puncture) but wanted me to have an MRI to brain to rule out possible brain tumors. Which I secretly felt could be an option, how could I be as sick as I was/am and Manny not get a single thing. So off we went to the ER at 1pm yesterday, they did what they do as I laid in a private room obviously meant for kids. Finally rolled me to the MRI department for a brain scan and by 6pm found out I had brain lesions (2) so no need for a spinal tap the tumor was causing most everything. Neck/Back pain,headaches, high fevers, vomitting/nausea, dizziness, loss of appetite, constant anxiousness, to name a few. Great! Checked out by 7pm home by 8 or so.

This morning I received a follow up call from my oncologists office to give me more details like my meningi's are also swollen, the lining of the brain is also part of the situation. I need full brain radiation ASAP(lined up today start tomorrow) Stopping chemo and with the little success I have had and the fact that it's in my brain (and quote) I have "a few months" WTF... that's the scary part how do deal with that. Part of me wants to say screw the dr's the hospitals and fly somewhere anywhere and love my hubby. Of course the other part of me wants to fight for my husband, he doesn't deserve this, with our 1 year anniversary just around the corner. Neither does my family, I need to do this for them. Yes I want to survive, ofcourse I want to grow old with my husband watch my nephews and neice grow. At this point I wont even be selfish about having babies for us. I just want to live mostly for them but for me too, I am not sure I am strong enough to realize "a few months" Who can? How do you really weigh it?
Well part of me fighting is because if I didn't I would be dealing with a lot more painful symptoms. Not sure I can handle much more pain, to my body and my soul. I know I need to be strong but for the first time ever it's not coming naturally...Fear has really been my main feeling, even I don't know what to say. Most the people who I talk to feel that way, don't worry I do to.

As of right now I am feeling like it's not real and have a ray of hope in radiation.

Thank you for all your prayers, thoughts, hugs, kisses, smiles, tears I feel so special to be as cared for/loved/or liked enough to have so many people on my side.

SMILE!
Kelly Freitas

33 comments:

Christina Marleau said...

Please keep strong for all of us...we love you.

xo
Tina

Lisa said...

Kelly-please keep fighting because you can still do this. Time for the grand slam to beat this crazy cancer. I remember at your beautiful wedding how Father Rudy talked about you and Manny celebrating your 50th anniversary together. You WILL grow old together and celebrate that anniversary one day. Faith, Hope, Love, Prayers will give you the strength you need to win this fight and be a survivor. I love you!

Barbara said...

Hi Kelly~ I think the last time I saw you was at Pietra Santa 2, maybe 3 years back now? Your cousin Mark mentioned several months back what you've been going through, I spoke with him again just today. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers...you can definitely win this battle! I know you have a wonderful family with more support than one could ever ask for and many friends providing support as well. If you need anything at all please dont hesitate.

Many prayers and thoughts of healing....Barbara Talavera

Laurel said...

You have been and continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, Kelly. You are beautiful and amazing. Please know that people all over the country, even people you have never met, love you and support you.

Monica the Bride said...

You are an amazing woman Kelly, and I cannot imagine how you feel at all, but please keep fighting. There is so much to live for, and I know it's easier said than done, but never give up hope. I am praying for you- please be strong.

Anonymous said...

Kelly,

You are an AMAZING woman!I know you are in pain but I also know you WILL beat this. You are much stronger than you know.I will continue to send EVERY positive thought I have your way. You and Manny are in all our thoughts and prayers.

We Love You Kell! :)

Donna

Anonymous said...

You feel special because you ARE special, Kelly Freitas!! Never forget that. You have an army of love behind you because you've earned every bit of it by being amazing and wonderful you. I don't ever have to have seen your face or heard your voice in person to know that. You're a ridiculously strong woman and, even if you don't always feel it, the rest of us do.

~ Deborah Fenton

Anonymous said...

I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said... Lots of love and positive energy sent your way! You've come so far and endured too much to give up now... Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us. Much love to you and Manny. ~Jenny

Anonymous said...

You're right that they don't deserve this and neither do you. You are so very loved by so many people. If only virtual hugs could provide comfort for you and your family... just know that you are all surrounded by so many people who care but don't have the words.

You and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers,
Juli O

Anonymous said...

Kelly~Keep fighting! Don't give up. I know this is so hard on you, but you are young, strong and full of faith... I know you can beat this! Your courage is such an inspiration to so many people. Big hugs and tight squeezes to you.

XOXO,
Hillary L

Anonymous said...

Hi Kelly, I just heard about your news from my Aunt Carmen. You are an amazing strong woman!! Your husband & family are so blessed to have you. I want you to know that your story has really touched me this morning. I pray for the Peace & Comfort of Gods Love for you and may he wrap his healing arms around you during this difficult time. God bless you and rest assure knowing that there is power in prayer. Be blessed and continue to stay positive.. My family & friends will be praying for you!
With Love, Cindy (Rosa) Van Wagoner
(Kathy, Christine & Julie’s cousin)

Jennifer Brown said...

Kelly, we all love you and are praying for you...I know that words cannot change what is going on and how you feel....I will continue to pray for you and your family and hope you can find comfort in the Lord, he has a plan for you and we may not understand now but through all our suffering and testing there are blessings (even when we can't see it, he knows and can)....Stay strong and keep smiling you are a beautiful person and have so many people that love and are praying for you....Love and Prayer, Jenny

Anonymous said...

So sorry sweetie. Stay strong. You can beat this! You will have ups and downs but you know you are too stubborn to give up. So much love and prayers and positive energy being sent your way.
Love you.
Sue

Anonymous said...

Kelly and Family,
It's been a while since I have even talked with y'all, but I read that Shawna Higgins-Cottrell was sending you prayers and thought I might be able to do the same. I am so sorry about the pain and diagnosis and am sending you everything positive and hopeful that I have in me! Keep the faith and the serenity and know that "if the Lord has brought you to it, the Lord will bring you through it."

Donna Rovella (McGrew)

Anonymous said...

Kelly,
I hate this. I don't know what to say except that I love you and am praying for you and your family. Keep your chin up and keep that beautiful smile on your face. You can do this! Xoxoxoxo

Pam

Anonymous said...

Kelly, I have been missing your blog. You always inspire me. Today is no different. You are as strong and full of grace as ever. Ride the wave - you can do it. Much love and prayers. Chris

Tiffany said...

Kelly,
Hearing this news makes me sick to my stomach! I am so sorry and want you to know that I have my church friends praying for you here in Chico. Spiritual counseling may help your nerves! I love you girlie! I was just telling my husband the other day about our trip to the Duck Pond in San Juan! You are special and very loved! Your are definitely on my mind. You are not alone! XOXOXOXOXOX
Tiffany Tavares-Doolittle

Anonymous said...

Kelly,
I've been sitting here staring at my computer for about an hour and i honestly still dont know what to say about your current update! So what I've come up with is "THIS SUCKS!!!!" but if any one can come thru this, its YOU! you are so amazing and such an inspiration! With that said, Its time to put up you dukes and fight with all you've got in ya, because you have so many amazing people (and adorable 4 legged friends) in your life to fight for! but you already knew that! I love you dearly and if there is absolutly ANYTHING I can do, you know where to find me! Your in My Prayers & My Heart!
~XoXo, Megan Cirelli

Anonymous said...

Hi Kelly this karissa i know you will kick this shit away and everyone here is praying for you i keep thinking about you and you are so strong i know that and you are so awsome so Im just gonna keep talking to the man up stairs and he will take care of you and cure you.keep fighting please we all love you here so if you need anything we are here.

your in my prayers and heart and mind all day love you
Karissa Sarmento

Melissa Good Taste said...

Your strength amazes me. You are a wonderful person and I know you will make it through! Thank you for sharing with us, if there is anything, I can do please let me know. In my thoughts and prayers, Melissa Dassel

Julie Bonnet said...

Kelly,
I was thinking that I would bring you Sushi until I read on. I think it is my turn to buy? I am praying for you, and wish you comfort during the treatments. After watching my Mom go thru the treatments it is the little things that matter. The things that lessen the pain. Please keep your strong and selfless attitude. You are a very specaial person, and we are ALL better to know you.
God Bless you and your family.
Julie Bonnet

Jennifer Dassel said...

Kelly - you may not have any memory of me, but we went to high school together. Thank you for sharing this blog with the world. You have made me understand what real strength is. You don't deserve what is happening to you, but you are giving everyone else a gift by sharing your hope and love with everyone else. I am sending my prayers and postive thoughts your way. Keep your spirits up and stay focused on healing!

Suzan Slater said...

I am sending ALL My LOVE to YOU.

Anonymous said...

I believe that a miracle will happen for you Kelly! I read your bog and cried for hours. My husband suffered like you are and I truly understand your fear and where you are speaking from. I am sending you ALL of my strength,fight,dignity,patience,and deep understanding of life,love and most of all HOPE. Cancer has robbed you of your peace of mind but it CANNOT rob you of HOPE! Our whole family is praying for you.
With Love,
Debbie Thul

Bakerella said...

Hi Kelly

Your friend Beth e-mailed me. I wish I lived in closer so I could meet you and say hi in person. Stay strong. Stay positive. I'll be praying for you to get through this.

Angie

Anonymous said...

Positive thoughts and good energy is being sent to you!! Feed off of it. The blow can hit strong and I am sure it really hurts, but you can do this. I just spent the day reading your blog and I really wish I knew you better. We have only met a few times but you always put out a great energy. Thanks for sharing your journey an I look forward to reading all about how you beat the crap out of this...remember David and Goliath?

Prayers and more prayers,
Madeline Mariottini (Paul's wife)

Jennifer Dinis said...

Hi Kelly. I just read your blog and I am saddened by what you are going through. I am also inspired by your strength. You need to fight this, not only for your family, but for you too!!! You deserve to grow old with your husband. Fight this and beat it!!! You are in my thoughts and prayers! XOXO

-Jennifer Peixoto Dinis
(Kathy, Christine & Julie's cousin)

Anonymous said...

Kelly,
I have never met you but I live in Hollister and I just wanted you to know that I have faith that you will prove those doctors wrong. A strong will and a positive attitude will bring you through this and help you each and every day. Do not give up, do not run away, wake up each day and thank God for l more day. No one of us truly know if we will join God tomorrow so just try to be positive and keep that beautiful smile on your face. I am praying for you.

Anonymous said...

All I can say is we love you!! We are praying for you!!! Keep up the faith, hope, and smiles. Marilyn and Tim

Britt said...

Kelly- I have been thinking of you non-stop since your last post. I just can't believe it, the hills you have climbed and now another hurdle. I know too well what you are going thru as a breast cancer survivor myself and literally the sheer anger you must feel. I felt that anger at the tail end of my treatment and frankly it is OK, it means you are still in this for the fight. One year of marriage and what a year it has been. I hope you are planning a kick-ass one year anniversary trip somewhere fabulous!! Keep doing what you are doing and it will all somehow make sense.

Britt Kelleher

Anonymous said...

Hi Kelly,
I don't personally know you...but you know how small of a town Hollister is, and I stumbled on your blog a while ago and have been following your progress.
You are about the age of my own daughter and want to tell you what an incredible inspiration you are. Your love for your husband and family is incredible. Even as you have faced the hurdles that you have, you have worried about everyone else and have fought not only for yourself, but primarily for them.
Now the fight is for you! What an incredibly strong woman you are. Please keep the fight going and know the you have so many that love and are praying for you.
I proudly say that I am now one of them.
Tammy

Anonymous said...

Kelly,

I have been reading your blog for awhile and I have been thinking and praying for you. I don't know you well but I remember working with you and the San Benito Wine Growers Assoc, and thinking what a pistol you were, and all your photos of you on your blog show the great inner spirit you have, I love your smile. I am so sorry you and Manny are going through this awful struggle. I have forwarded your blog on to my sister in Spain and everyone at her church on the military base are praying for you, as well my church in the states. I know it hard but keep that beautiful smile going. God Bless you and Manny.

Kathleen Smith

Anonymous said...

Manny and Kelly we love you with all we have stay strong and keep up the fight. Love nathan and Ashley

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