Curve ball

I probably should have taken up softball or baseball, I might have been more prepared for these constant curveballs...

My final days of radiation have been postponed. The reason, well, because the infamous rash like bumps have appeared outside the radiation area. Also Tuesday morning I found another lump under my left arm. (My original tumor was on my right side.) There I was in the shower, where at least one week I give myself a check up. It's really stupid and scary all at the same time you feel around hoping you won't feel anything and every little bump makes you lose your stomach. Well Tuesday morning I felt a lump and I definitely lost my stomach. Manny did ask me "what's wrong" that morning and I hid it from him. I didn't want to scare him and I didn't want it to be real. So off to radiation I went and as I am laying down on the table my doctor noticed my rash bumps outside the radiated area right away, which alarmed him. Then I forced myself to tell him about the lump I found earlier that morning. The look on his face for some reason made me very upset, and while I was not crying at that moment he told me "you are very strong!" it was then after he said those words I start to cry, I couldn't hold back any longer. First time ever crying in the doctors office since being told I had cancer. I was trying so hard to stop but I couldn't. I didn't want to be the person that cries and the other person feels like they can't console because you don't really know them. Even worse I felt so horrible for my favorite nurse who I could tell I upset, bringing me tissues and looking away trying to not let me see her upset.

Well I finally calmed down. The Dr explained to me he is going to call my surgeon and oncologist before he moves on with radiation that PET is a must at this point... to see where else it may have travelled and to confirm whether or not what we found is what we think it is. UGH.
So Friday morning I will have my second PET scan. Please pray that what they find is nothing.

Thanks for reading, and I apologize if this post is a bunch of rambling.

Until Next time,

SMILE! (and please pray!)
Kelly Freitas and Manny too!

Red Spree

So with only 7 radiation treatments left I am SO ready to be done with these treatments! I had to take a 2 day “break” from radiation because I was in major pain and getting fevers. It is nice not to have to wake up and head straight to the hospital everyday, but really it just means I have postponed the end date 2 more days. Since I am ready to be done with this I would almost rather not have this “break”.  My skin shows all the signs of radiation treatment, red, blisters, dry flaking skin, sore and tender. I am lucky most of the feeling in that area is numb, but the places I still have feeling boy does it hurt, sharp pains waking me up in my sleep or feelings of the worst bruise I have ever had. I try and wake up everyday geared up and ready to go. Put on my heels and walk into that hospital with a smile. In fact one of my favorite nurses joked with me the day I wore Uggs to treatment…”You must not be feeling well; you’re not wearing heels!” She was right that was the day I came in with my white flag and said okay you win! That was also the day they told me I needed a break. So really who’s winning-the cancer? Not if I can help it.

When I was 10 years old my parents bought a Red Honda Spree moped. I believe it was supposed to be for my sister but we all got to use it. We took it camping a lot. So much fun to drive that thing before I really was even supposed to drive. Well I never forget the day my father taught me how to drive that scooter. I have spoken about this day to many people as an example of how I was raised, how my parents always pushed us to do better. Well there I was 10 years old and probably had no business being on a scooter at the time. My dad wanted me to learn to ride it and so did I. He took me down the street to a developing neighborhood with empty lots and a newly paved street. I had on my red helmet got on the scooter and could barely touch the ground to keep it from falling over. I first learned to start it, then he showed me how to give it gas to go and how to break. My hands where a bit shaky when I took off, a little wobbly clinching the break every so often to slow myself down. I finally got to a dead end where I had to turn around. My dad yelling “Okay turn around” and I was terrified because I knew this was going to be hard. So I slowed down and began to turn. Instead I fell to the side scrapping my leg and the new paint of the scooter, my dad came over picked up the scooter and helped me up. I was crying not only because it hurt but because I was scared. Then he looks at me and says “Get back on!” then he smiled. I said “NO”, be he insisted I get back on and try it again. I cried and said “no” but that didn’t bother him. He insisted again that I get back on and try it again, so I did. Terrified I got on the scooter and tried and tried dropping the bike a few more times on myself. Crying and arguing with my dad that “I just can’t do it” he disagreed and kept insisting. Then finally I made the turn with out falling and did it again and again. I was so happy I went from crying to laughing, still a little bit scared but so happy I finally did it. Little did I know that my lesson in scooter driving would eventually lead to a lesson in life. I am now on this different ride and so ready to get off but I know I can’t I must keep going-keep trying so that when I do finish I will be happier than ever. “No pain no gain”, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”, many sayings and phrases that I live by now. I now that the outcome will be so grand I will be smiling ear to ear. I must have patience waiting for that day. Patience-not one my better qualities.

I more recently have also been so focused on all the things I “can’t” do. Things like, I can’t work, I can’t swim, I can’t start my family, I can’t loose weight, I can’t keeps ringing in my ears. Bothered so badly at what I have been going through. I know this is not good for me so I haven been trying to focus on what I can do. I can meet my sister for lunch, I can take a nap in the middle of the day when I don’t feel well, I can go for a walk, I can sleep in, I can do lots of things. I just need to remind myself all the things I do have not what cancer has temporarily taken away from me.

Get back on that scooter and keep going.

Until next time,

SMILE!
Kelly Freitas

A better year!

With Christmas behind me and New Years Eve just around the corner, I am looking forward to 2010! 2009 was supposed to be the year I could remember forever. Nothing but sweet memories of marrying the man of my dreams, our wedding year, all the parties thrown in our honor and fun gifts, my big white silk dress I can only wear once… and that veil GOD I loved my veil. Instead, 2009, has a dark cloud over it. I will always have fabulous memories of my our wedding day, it was the last day Manny and I spent in this newlywed bliss before the big C word made an (unwelcome) entrance into our lives. 2009 will have a tie for first with memories of this battle I, WE have been facing. This bully who is trying to take over. I guess I should have known when I impaled my behind on a champagne glass at the stroke of midnight; I was in for quite a year!

Radiation treatments have begun, the planning for treatment takes a lot longer then the treatments do. There are about 3 appointments where I must lie in place with arms over my head for about an hour while they x-ray, draw, x-ray, draw move me a little, x-ray, draw then tattoo me. The ladies were nice enough to play some good music while I lied there. They are all so kind there; complimenting my shoes or my hair accessory for the day. It helps me to forget I have my top off and I am lying there getting blasted with radiation while they do their work. A typical day only lasts about 20 mins at most, then I goop myself with Aloe Vera, get dresses and come home. I do this daily for 33 treatments. This will put me at about February 5th.

Last week, I noticed the rash again, my oncologist was on vacation for the Christmas holiday so I met with the surgeon and the radiology oncologist. Who both agreed, they are 99.9% sure it’s the cancer present in my skin again. ugh. Merry F*ing Christmas to me! They can’t do a biopsy because that would hold up my radiation appointments and since this bully is already back they really need to radiate the area as much as possible. So I am going to be re-aligned for radiation targets and get set for what they call a “boost” at the end. All I can do is hope and pray that the radiation will do its job and I will be cancer free. I am fighter and I won’t stop fighting, but I am about all fought out… I mean how much more can I do. I have cut my boob off, made it through months of chemo and now radiation. I just want ONE thing to work. I pray that radiation works…otherwise I am not sure of the next step or where else this bully has been attacking in my body. Well, I can’t think negatively, in fact I MUST think positively. I want a family and if I am going to have one I need to see the light at the end of this tunnel.

So cheers to a better year, cheers to 2010!

Keep Smiling!
Kelly Freitas
xoxo

Sweet memories, our first dance, bliss… Thank you Jill for capturing this!

Happy Holidays!

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” haha! I love this time of year, the smell of the tree in my home, twinkle lights everywhere, yummy Holiday drinks at Starbucks and good times spent with family. So much fun, I sit and have breakfast by my tree almost every morning with Christmas music playing in the background…it’s the little things that make me happy.

Since last I wrote I have had quite a lot going on. One Friday Nov 20th, I had my single mastectomy plus 20 lymph nodes removed, spent 3 days and two nights in the hospital. It was good to have the help of the nurses but I was ready to come home. It was very difficult to move around, get dressed and do just basic little things. With this surgery you lose mobility of your arm. For the most part I could move it but not very high or even carry anything heavy or put any weight on it. This created lots of sleepless and painful nights, however with a few little stretches I have been able to get a lot of movement back, but not 100%, it comes with time I am told. I am not very patient.

The test results of the removed breast and lymph nodes showed that my tumors are all not hormonal, which means I can still carry my own babies after all this and no year long cancer or 5 year chemo pills. YAY. It also showed that I had 4 tumors in that breast, so a mastectomy was inevitable. Out of the 20 nodes removed only 5 had cancer in them, which is also good news because I originally had at least 10 before. Which means the chemo did it’s job. So far all the margins came back clean so things are looking good.

On the subject of chemo there was some discussion of me doing chemo again, I am extremely happy to report that I will not have to do chemo again! My oncologist spoke with multiple doctors and all agreed that it may cause more harm than good and not to give me more. I will be starting radiation ASAP, we must wait for my incision to be healed properly… well it is healed properly so I have my radiation appointments starting next week. I will be receiving radiation everyday of the week for 5 or 6 weeks (I can’t remember! haha) I hoping that I don’t have to get it on Christmas Day only because we are having Manny’s family over for a Christmas Brunch and that would really screw things up!

So far I haven’t missed my breast, it is hard to see an 8” incision where your breast used to be, but then I remember it almost killed me and I will soon get a fake one in it’s place! It’s funny but having short hair makes me feel like less of a woman than missing a boob does. I am not sure if that is because I am so used to having long hair or because once I have my stuffed bra and a shirt on it’s not noticeable, maybe both, but either way that is how I feel, silly things. It’s not so much less of a woman but more so less girly, so you will see that I put flowers in my hair “so people know I am girl” haha! Vain of me but at least I feel better! Funny thing is as a baby I didn’t have any hair until I was about 2 years old so my mother would put bonnets on my head “so people knew I was a girl” here I am years later doing the same thing! haha

Well I hope everyone has a wonderful Holiday and can appreciate all the blessings that are in front of us. I know I have quite a few things that I am thankful for.

Merry Christmas! XOXO
Kelly Freitas

Pic of me enjoying the snow at Disneyland, before surgery

Pic of me and my sis-in-law celebrating her birthday 12/09/09

Bittersweet

Today is a bittersweet. As I type, I am taking in my last day of chemo drip by drip. That is a wonderful reason to celebrate. I made cupcakes, my mom brought sandwiches and we also brought wine for the doctors and nurses. Unfortunately I can’t drink now although I may drink a glass of champagne later myself. hee hee

The bitter part of my day involves this darn rash and skin biopsy. You know they always say “no news is good news” (those they people seem to be right sometimes). Last night at about 6:00pm our phone rang and it was my surgeon telling me that the skin rash is indeed cancer that spread or possibly the same tumor. So that means surgery ASAP. Next week on Friday(Nov 20th) actually. They will remove the whole breast, nipple and full node dissection on the right side, since there was 10 nodes involved they want to all. I believe there are 20 on that side. I don’t really care to have a boob, I may feel differently once its gone similar to when I first lost my hair. But I know I won’t care in the long run if it means… my health and a chance to start my family. I really want to know what our kids will look like, selfish I know! ; ) The reason a mastectomy bothers me is because the surgery is harder, plus the lymph nodes double hard. Ohwell I have one of the BEST surgeons in the silicon Valley, this was voted by the people and numerous doctor magazines and I concur.

The long term plan: I will still have radiation after surgery. My oncologist will also run the results of the tumor (after surgery) by Stanford to make sure I will need any more chemo just to be safe. Even Doctors get second opinions. 

So as of right now the decision of whether or not to do a lumpectomy vs mastectomy has been made for me, which is good to not have another decision to make.

So I must get back to Laverne & Shirley(Tia Frances & Mom) and my husband!

SMILE!
Kelly Freitas

A rash…

So… Monday we went to visit the surgeon, for what we thought would be a follow up and schedule the surgery. Unfortunately, the appointment didn’t go as smoothly as planned.

On the ride up to San Jose I was nervous to finally have a date for surgery. I was convincing myself this was going to be my new obsession, this date. A count down to remove this tumor. So as I arrived to the Dr’s office we went through the standard procedure, waiting in the waiting room, being called in, weighed, then showed into a room where I undress on top and replace my warm clothes with a paper vest.

In walks my surgeon, he says I look good and compliments my hat. After checking my blood pressure and checking to make sure I don’t have lymph nods that seem cancerous. Then he wants to examine the tumor, so I lay back and put my right arm behind my head. It is then he notices a rash. A rash that has only been there for 4 days, something I noticed, showed Manny, but never thought anything of it.  Well he noticed it and was a tad bit alarmed. He asked me how long it had been there. He then said “if you didn’t have cancer in this boob I wouldn't worry, but since you do this may mean cancer has spread to the skin, so I am going to do a biopsy”

….A RASH! REALLY!? That is all I can think at this point. Next thing I know a nurse is coming in with a syringe filled with local, a knife, some gauze and all the things a doctor needs to do a skin biopsy. FUN. So I lay there still with Manny holding my hand and my doctor cutting a small piece of skin off me, then stitching me back up.

What does this mean? Well it just means that if it has spread to the skin I will most definitely have a mastectomy and skin removed as well. DOUBLE FUN!  I guess the positive way to look at this is that it will mean the boob is gone and any chance of recurrence has lowered. In the mean time, we wait for results which should be by the end of the week.

I will keep everyone posted as soon as I find out!

Thanks for listening.

SMILE!
Kelly Freitas

Mind Games

“Each day you stay positive is putting you another step closer to happiness.”

This quote is so true, and if there is one thing I have learned is that, for me, cancer is a mind game. Constantly trying to convince myself to overcome fears, think positively and find the good in all the bad. I usually win this battle but there are times I don’t and most recently the biggest fear for me is the surgery, keeping me up at night and waking me from nightmares. Manny keeps reminding me “Kel, just remember to be excited to remove this tumor out of your body!” So, when I am afraid… of things like major surgery, spending the night in the hospital, removing lymph nods, possible mastectomy, I try and remember the positive my husband so clearly points out to me. This unwelcome disease will soon be gone, removed from my body!

I know it’s been quite awhile since I have written on here, and I think this is partly because I have been having such bad thoughts about the surgery I didn’t have anything positive to say and couldn’t bring myself to speak so negatively. In reality the more I talk about my fears the better I feel about it. Like my cousin Julie pointed out to me, fears are better overcome when you face them and not avoid them. So here I am facing them and dealing with it.

I have recently also gone on disability, which was another hard move for me. It was yet another reminder that I had cancer and “couldn’t” do something. Now I realize that it truly is better for me and I have more time to do things that make me happy and healthy. So every morning I can I get up early and go for a walk with my dog and that feels great!

So if anyone is up for a walk or lunch feel free to give me a call! ; )

Here is something positive, with only 2 chemo treatments left, I am already growing hair! AMAZING, most patients don’t have hair growing back until after chemo but that Portuguese hair sure is tough! Funny enough now that I have more hair on my head I have less eyebrows and eyelashes… always something! haha!

Here are some pics you may or may not want to see! Me bald!

Me with no hair, but eyebrows and lashes!

Me with hair, but drawn in brows and no lashes.

Until next time (I promise to not wait as long)

Smile!
Kelly Marie Freitas