The Desert

Well I finally got my results from the PET scan today in the late afternoon. Just as I expected the bump under my arm is a lymph node with cancer, actually two little ones that feel like one.
The scan also showed 2 other lymph nodes near my chest wall. The good news, no major organs are involved. Besides the skin and the 4 lymph nodes that is all they found. The bad news, if, actually when I have surgery they will have to cut my breast plate open to get to those lymph nodes and also remove lymph nodes under my left arm also. So it's a much more invasive surgery than before.
Some other news, I will have to go on chemotherapy again. It is two new drugs they will be using on me this time. I see this a good and bad. Bad I have to go through chemo again- good that I still have a "weapon" against the cancer. My worst case scenario with this PET scan would have been if they told me it was in my organs and that I couldn't do chemo. Neither of those things happen. To add to the punch, I am going to call another Dr out of San Francisco that focuses on anti-cancer diets and acupuncture coupled with chemo. I am ready to pull out all my weapons on this cancer...even if it means giving up Starbucks (YES that's right people I said give up Starbucks! I mean business!!!)
Actually I feel better after my appt, yes it means a longer road but it's a road not a road block! Just a reminder for me to be grateful of all the things I have, people I love and trust in God to have method to all this madness. This Sunday Manny and I went to church and the sermon seem to hit closer to home than most. Father Rudy spoke of Jesus being sent through the desert and being tempted by the devil and he came through a long time of temptations and hardships. He explained that everyone has their time to spend in the desert but if you trust in God he will deliver great things and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am still in the desert, I know I will, I know I must get through this. God is on my side. My husband is on my side, My parents, My siblings, their kids, friends I sure have a lot of people on my side.

Thank you to everyone who posted comments here and on my Facebook wall, I may not always respond but know that I am reading and truly appreciative. Manny and I are really in awe of all the support you all have given us.

SMILE!
Kelly Freitas

Curve ball

I probably should have taken up softball or baseball, I might have been more prepared for these constant curveballs...

My final days of radiation have been postponed. The reason, well, because the infamous rash like bumps have appeared outside the radiation area. Also Tuesday morning I found another lump under my left arm. (My original tumor was on my right side.) There I was in the shower, where at least one week I give myself a check up. It's really stupid and scary all at the same time you feel around hoping you won't feel anything and every little bump makes you lose your stomach. Well Tuesday morning I felt a lump and I definitely lost my stomach. Manny did ask me "what's wrong" that morning and I hid it from him. I didn't want to scare him and I didn't want it to be real. So off to radiation I went and as I am laying down on the table my doctor noticed my rash bumps outside the radiated area right away, which alarmed him. Then I forced myself to tell him about the lump I found earlier that morning. The look on his face for some reason made me very upset, and while I was not crying at that moment he told me "you are very strong!" it was then after he said those words I start to cry, I couldn't hold back any longer. First time ever crying in the doctors office since being told I had cancer. I was trying so hard to stop but I couldn't. I didn't want to be the person that cries and the other person feels like they can't console because you don't really know them. Even worse I felt so horrible for my favorite nurse who I could tell I upset, bringing me tissues and looking away trying to not let me see her upset.

Well I finally calmed down. The Dr explained to me he is going to call my surgeon and oncologist before he moves on with radiation that PET is a must at this point... to see where else it may have travelled and to confirm whether or not what we found is what we think it is. UGH.
So Friday morning I will have my second PET scan. Please pray that what they find is nothing.

Thanks for reading, and I apologize if this post is a bunch of rambling.

Until Next time,

SMILE! (and please pray!)
Kelly Freitas and Manny too!

Red Spree

So with only 7 radiation treatments left I am SO ready to be done with these treatments! I had to take a 2 day “break” from radiation because I was in major pain and getting fevers. It is nice not to have to wake up and head straight to the hospital everyday, but really it just means I have postponed the end date 2 more days. Since I am ready to be done with this I would almost rather not have this “break”.  My skin shows all the signs of radiation treatment, red, blisters, dry flaking skin, sore and tender. I am lucky most of the feeling in that area is numb, but the places I still have feeling boy does it hurt, sharp pains waking me up in my sleep or feelings of the worst bruise I have ever had. I try and wake up everyday geared up and ready to go. Put on my heels and walk into that hospital with a smile. In fact one of my favorite nurses joked with me the day I wore Uggs to treatment…”You must not be feeling well; you’re not wearing heels!” She was right that was the day I came in with my white flag and said okay you win! That was also the day they told me I needed a break. So really who’s winning-the cancer? Not if I can help it.

When I was 10 years old my parents bought a Red Honda Spree moped. I believe it was supposed to be for my sister but we all got to use it. We took it camping a lot. So much fun to drive that thing before I really was even supposed to drive. Well I never forget the day my father taught me how to drive that scooter. I have spoken about this day to many people as an example of how I was raised, how my parents always pushed us to do better. Well there I was 10 years old and probably had no business being on a scooter at the time. My dad wanted me to learn to ride it and so did I. He took me down the street to a developing neighborhood with empty lots and a newly paved street. I had on my red helmet got on the scooter and could barely touch the ground to keep it from falling over. I first learned to start it, then he showed me how to give it gas to go and how to break. My hands where a bit shaky when I took off, a little wobbly clinching the break every so often to slow myself down. I finally got to a dead end where I had to turn around. My dad yelling “Okay turn around” and I was terrified because I knew this was going to be hard. So I slowed down and began to turn. Instead I fell to the side scrapping my leg and the new paint of the scooter, my dad came over picked up the scooter and helped me up. I was crying not only because it hurt but because I was scared. Then he looks at me and says “Get back on!” then he smiled. I said “NO”, be he insisted I get back on and try it again. I cried and said “no” but that didn’t bother him. He insisted again that I get back on and try it again, so I did. Terrified I got on the scooter and tried and tried dropping the bike a few more times on myself. Crying and arguing with my dad that “I just can’t do it” he disagreed and kept insisting. Then finally I made the turn with out falling and did it again and again. I was so happy I went from crying to laughing, still a little bit scared but so happy I finally did it. Little did I know that my lesson in scooter driving would eventually lead to a lesson in life. I am now on this different ride and so ready to get off but I know I can’t I must keep going-keep trying so that when I do finish I will be happier than ever. “No pain no gain”, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”, many sayings and phrases that I live by now. I now that the outcome will be so grand I will be smiling ear to ear. I must have patience waiting for that day. Patience-not one my better qualities.

I more recently have also been so focused on all the things I “can’t” do. Things like, I can’t work, I can’t swim, I can’t start my family, I can’t loose weight, I can’t keeps ringing in my ears. Bothered so badly at what I have been going through. I know this is not good for me so I haven been trying to focus on what I can do. I can meet my sister for lunch, I can take a nap in the middle of the day when I don’t feel well, I can go for a walk, I can sleep in, I can do lots of things. I just need to remind myself all the things I do have not what cancer has temporarily taken away from me.

Get back on that scooter and keep going.

Until next time,

SMILE!
Kelly Freitas